Hartaconda

The Hartaconda is a non venomous extremely large snake. It is generally found in rural areas and starts its hunting in the early morning hours when it is hungriest. Although resilient in its stalking of prey, a few "Fuck You's", or "Go fuck yourselves" seem to be it's only Kryptonite. You can identify if you are being Hartaconda'd with a few easy warning signs. 1) You have considered cutting off your ears or possibly paying someone to fire off large caliber weapons close to your face to stop the ability to hear ridiculous rants about unsolvable or most likely fake problems. 2)You find yourself doing NOTHING all day and you are accompanied with someone talking about how you two are the only ones who did anything all day.
3) You are asked if you want to go fishing some time, only to have so called heterosexual, happily married friend stuff his penis in your face for a week straight.