Ingle Mingiti

Considered by many to be something of a god among mere mortals, Ingle Mingiti was perhaps the greatest person ever to come out of southern Syria in the early 16th century. Born of Irish and Inca bloodlines, Mingiti was truly a sight to behold. It was widely rumored that he could shove a mandolin up a goat's ass without even breaking a sweat, but this was only a small example of his power.

In 1523, he set sail to Spain aboard his schooner, the Kazaa. Upon arrival, Mingiti mustered up a group of 4 Spaniards and one Portugal man, and set out for the New World. During the long journey westward, the Spaniards began to go crazy, and begged Mingiti if they could eat the Portugal man. "Nay", said Mingiti, and so it was. The Spaniards were permitted to merely chew on the Portugal man, but not to consume any part of him, and so they did. Eventually, they arrived at what would someday nearly become known as the Mormon nation of Deseret. The party explored this strange new land, but were soon attacked by a bear, which disrupted their trek, and scattered the group across the continent.

The Europeans were eventually all killed, either by Indians or baseball midgets, but Ingle Mingiti lived on. It is said that during his travels, he found the fountain of youth in Denver, and lives to this day, working as a 7-11 cashier in Toronto.