Kings Island

A popular themed amusement park located about 25 miles from downtown Cincinnati. It is known for its many roller coasters, the most famous being The Beast, still the world's longest wooden roller coaster. There is a large water park, Boomerang Bay, which is included with admission, and Nickelodeon Universe, one of the highest ranked kids areas in the industry.

Besides the Beast also has The Racer, a twin wooden coaster that is credited for sparking the "coaster renaissance" when it opened with the park in 1972. There is also Son of Beast, the world's tallest and fastest wooden coaster; from 2000 until 2006, it had a vertical loop, making it the only wood coaster to do so. There is also a large collection of steel coasters, including Vortex, Flight of Fear, and Firehawk.

From 1993 until 2006, the park was known as Paramount's Kings Island. PKI had many rides, attractions, and buildings named after Paramount and/or its better-known movies, such as TOP GUN, Days of Thunder, Face/Off, and The Italian Job. In 2006, the parent company of PKI sold it and four other Paramount Parks to "rival" amusement park chain Cedar Fair. In 2007, Cedar Fair began removing Paramount references from KI and other "former" Paramount parks, including changing the park's name to simply Kings Island.

When owned by Paramount, KI was known for installing family attractions and themed rides, but some of these attractions were notorious for theming that would fall apart. When compared to attractions at Cedar Fair, Six Flags, and especially Universal, Busch, and Disney parks, Paramount's additions were seen as lackluster. PKI was also notorious for lackluster food service, spotty cleanliness, and neutering/removing classic rides, and oddly enough, a de-emphasis on live entertainment due to budget cuts in the mid-2000s.

With Cedar Fair, Kings Island has re-emphasized cleaniness, live entertainment, and thrill rides. People also anticipate the addition of new restaurants in the future. While the 2007 season was not perfect, especially transition between ownership "regimes," expect a bright future for this midwestern family fun tradition.

A theme park near Cincinati Ohio. It has changed owners a few times, including Paramounts and currently Cedar Fair. This changing of ownership has caused the "kiddie-land" type area to change in theme several times, including a Nikelodean theme, and a Snoopy theme. The original name of perhaps the most famous coaster in "kiddie-land" was the Beastie, which was intended to be a smaller version of the Beast, but has changed names under different ownerships. Kings Island's most famous coasters include The Beast, and Son of the Beast, which both usually have considerably long lines. Kings Island has its own water park, Boomerang Bay, which has changed its name a few times also with different ownerships, and is free admission with admission to Kings Island. (Unlike its cheep ass couzin, Cedar Point, who has you pay extra admission for use of its water park)

1) Keeping Cincinnati, Ohio on the map since 1972. The Reds and Bengals don't cut it.
2) Home of the world's longest woody: The Beast.
3) The only place in the world where you can ride Lara Croft.
4) Better than Cedar Point.
5) PKI Breaks records too damnit.

This is a theme park that is located about 20 miles Northeast of Cincinnati. Quite popular in the area, it is common to act as a hub for the teens, young adults, and families, as well as the local obese, smokers, rednecks, and white trash. The obese, however, are the rejects of the rejects at Kings Island. I have witnessed several instances of our unhealthily overweight friends being denied passage on the roller coasters due to seat size, and possibly maximum weight capacities. Then, instead of taking advantage of the opportunity to exercise by walking around the theme park, severely fat people rent mobility scooters instead. Wow. The smokers merely set the general aroma that is often associated with King’s Island. Rednecks always capitalize the “Take a friend Tuesday” offer that comes with a Gold Season Pass Upgrade, usually in the form of purchasing an average of 5 passes per family, then going to P.K.I. with the whole family every Tuesday. As for the white trash, just imagine a combination of the last three groups of people. That’s right. A 300 pound, 45 year old woman waving around a cigarette, donning a two piece bathing suit. “Things that make you go buhuhuh”. How are the rides? Well, before you ride the Son Of Beast, or S.O.B., as I call it, make sure that you are: A- under 5 foot 6, B- purchase a personal hydraulic system for your seat, and C- inject novocaine into your midsection. Top Gun, like a couple other rides, is over-rated. It’s about 15 seconds long. Drop Zone is a 200-somethin foot tower that, you guessed it, takes you up and drops you. Compare to smoking crack. If you are within spittin’ distance of this ride, wear a poncho. I didn’t, and I barely survived. All of the rides with lap-bars had seatbelts recently installed, so there is always some idiot that takes 5 minutes to open their lap bar, then they get all excited once they figure out how to open it, try and jump up, but realize their seatbelt is still on. The scariest ride in the park is Face Off. Like Top Gun and Drop Zone, it’s named after a movie. The seats face each other on a hanging train. What’s so scary about it? Well, you just might be stuck facing one of those fat women wearing a two-piece, and she just might puke skyline chili all over your paranoid ass, since remember, she’s facing you. Viking Fury is a must ride, but you are a pussy if you sit in the middle. Stay out of the pond that is in front of it; a 4-foot long monster fish lives in there. Overall, the park remains quite successful, though it doesn’t even compare to Cedar Point. If you don’t visit King’s Island very often, or never have, go ahead, spend some time there. If you are a local teen or young adult that has visited the place so many times that you can relate to most of this shit, there is a movie theatre only a half a mile down the road. Go there for a change.

When everyone wants to be in charge of a shitty job or task.