life-lard
A lifeguard that simply sits around on their lard-ass while at work and does not pay any real attention to the swimmers. Employed officially as lifeguards, such folks seem to be completely oblivious and disconnected from their job - which is to guard and protect lives. Life-lards appear to care very little or nothing at all for the lives that they are supposedly guarding.
Life-lards tend to avoid looking at the pool as much as possible. Instead, they hide out in the office, stare into space, and/or talk incessantly to each other. Life-lards also tend to send or read text messages, as a means of avoiding looking at the pool.