Mid-life Douche

A sub-species of douche between the ages of 30-45, usually divorced. While this particular douche may have once been a decent human being, the onset of a Mid-life Crisis leads to increasingly douchey behavior and eventually, the transformation into a total douche. The Mid-life Crisis Douche will often begin drinking excessively and/or doing a large quantity of illegal drugs and will sleep with or attempt to sleep with much younger women in order to recapture his youth. He will also become obsessed with the gym and will begin buying expensive, tight fitting clothing to show off his "new physique." He will also have an increasing need to be the center of attention; especially when intoxicated. He often uses humor to gain the attention of those around him, and he often resorts to making jokes at the expense of others to distract himself from his own crippling insecurities. The Mid-life Douche can be spotted in clubs dancing awkwardly next to much younger girls, or in a local bar drinking excessively, laughing at his own jokes, or telling stories of his "conquests." This is a degenerative condition. Once someone begins the slide into Mid-life douchebaggery, it is only a matter of time before they morph into a full blown douchebag.

Mid 30s white suburban parents who try to act like 20 year old bros
Signs include but not limited to:

American Fighter/affliction or some bullshit shirt about how they’re so offensive and don’t care, obviousLy on roids, overly tan, usually talks about the going to the lake all the time. Exorbitant amount of overpriced product stickers (RTIC, Yeti, Malibu boats and a punisher logo for some reason) on his lifted Jeep with no doors or jacked up F250 and off roading consists of median hopping to avoid suburb traffic jams. Dresses kids in expensive athletic gear (compression pants under basketball shorts) like they are pro’s when little billy’s jump shot sucks and daddy is in denial. Overuse of “bro”, your 38 years old Tom, stop saying that. Miserable behind closed doors

*Exorbitant amount of credit card debt to keep up the appearance of the good life

Their kids are spoiled little fuckboys who think they are special but are just like every other twat waffle in town.

I live around these societal crotchstains and I hate it. Cypress, TX has some good people in it, it’s the asshats who think that because they’re family sits in the front row at church and rubs elbows with the pastor, it makes them part of the “in crowd” People don’t envy your family, it’s annoying and sad. Have some substance in your life and stop being a shallow pool of cloudy douche water.