nilhistic
Realization that your life is full of distortions and illusions that you or someone else dictated that you should abide by, and that these illusions in the culture you lived and worked in, served no real purpose to make your life any better than anyone else. Rather, it make it worse for you wasting your time investing in and believing in all of it.
The corrosive politics in my job became so nilhistic I decided to stop seeking personal satisfaction in the corporate culture that stopped make any sense to me, and so I quit that job and got out of that rat race. Now, I'm just like any other Joe or Mary, standing in the unemployment line. What's the point of it all? Why am I doing this? Maybe I'll just leave that line and go waste my life toying within or trashing some other illusion.