noob spotting guide

Saphy's Amazing Noob Spotting Guide!

INTRO
--- 1. About the Guide
--- 2. Defining 'NOOB'

COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS
--- 1. NOOB Language - Noobish
--- 2. Noob Habitats
--- 3. Noobish Behavior
--- 4. Noob Religion - 1337
--- 5. Noob Homes

NOOB PROTECTION PROTOCOL
--- 1. Noob Testing
--- 2. Major Noob Deflection Strategies

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Intro
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--- 1. About the Guide
The following information presented in this guide is designed to assist your understanding of NOOB culture, and how to recognize and spot NOOBS, as well as providing information on how to rid of them. Though this guide applies in majority to online forums, which are the hub centers of migrating NOOBS, we also try to cover them outside of the virtual world

--- 2. Defining 'NOOB'
Contradictory to the popular belief of the internet as a whole, a NOOB (n00b, nub, nooblet, noobzor, stub)... and a NEWBIE (newb, neb, newebzor, neblet, frewb)... are NOT the same, nor are they alike.

A NEWB is a PERSON who is new too, or just beginning a task, job, game, or skill. Thus, because they are new to this action, are very beginner at it, and maybe even a little overconfident in their ability. However, they are willing and ready to learn, even still enthusiastic, and able to correct the errors that they make. Eventually, evolving their way through, and graduating to move out of that NEWBISH stage

On the other hand, a NOOB, has little to no knowledge, and will refuse to extend their knowledge of the subject of which they are afflicted. A NOOB will expect the true gaming ELITE to do all of the work for them, and proceed to expect praise for the actions they claim to have accomplished, attempting to siphon the awesome from those truly greater than themselves. These... VIRII, make up a unique species of their own, and thus, this is the species we have chosen to examine in this article... so that the reader will be prepared to encounter them in the wild, and on the field when needed.

NOOBS are often referred to as "n00b" (the English letter 'n', two hits of the numerical 'zero', followed by an English letter 'b'). This a direct form of disrespect to their Language, Religion, Culture, and Heritage, and most of the time... pretty ###### hilarious. I will refer to them as NOOBS, in this article.

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COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS
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--- 1. NOOB Language - Noobish
The NOOB will almost always try to attempt to communicate with others in a primitive language known simply as "Noobish". Noobish is a variant of an old hacker language, continuing to expose them as having little intelligence or willingness to learn. Below are a few examples of the same sentence expressed in several languages, as well as a few know Noobish dialects. Do not attempt to comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without professionals at hand.

English:
Could you please assist me in understanding the game.

Newbish:
c'd u pls hlp me n da game

Hacker (Abridged):
C0uld j00 pl3a53 a5515t m3 1n und3r5tan1ng ht3 gam3

Hacker:
(()|_|l_<| _|()() 9|_3453 455157 |\\/|3 1|\\| |_||\\|<|3|2574|\\|1|\\|6 <|4 64|\\/|32()|2.

Ultraleet:
Ċðų1ď ŷðų þ1ĕą§ĕ ą§§ī§ť Mĕ īÑ ųÑďĕŗ§ťąÑīÑģ ťĥĕ ģąMĕ.

Noobish:
###### /../..an, i r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!`` !! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLL l u n00b

Although you may find this unbelievably funny, annoying, or entertaining... YOU MUST UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES REPLY TO THEIR STATMENTS!!! NOOBS, are extremely territorial and easily angered. Replying to a NOOB will result in repeated and frequent attempts to verbally abuse you are your kin. Often backed up by multiple NOOB waves, and backed up in numerous packs of which they travel when completing offensive tasks. This language is very difficult of learn do to the fact our intelligent brains will refuse to keep our hands in correct position for protection from relapse. Only a trained professional Noobologist should be asked to translate Noobish. You can however type simple Noobish of your own... by slamming your face into your keyboard about 15-20 times.

--- 2. NOOB Habitat
On the internet, NOOB colonize themselves on web forums. Migrating biweekly in waves lasting 2-3 days, depending on schedule, proceed to clog up line bandwidth with stupid questions, or par even stupid answers. If you happen to be unfortunate enough to board a large enough forum to attract migrating noobs, there will hopefully be an authority group in charge powerful, and smart enough, to take extermination measures before they can nest and populate into larger colonies. One such weapon of extermination is the BANHAMMER... though its usability has decreased use to slight rises in noobish technology.

Larger colonies can result in a mutation into the SPAMMER sub-species. A NOOB can become a SPAMMER at any point, but like locusts, the larger the amount of NOOBS in a given area, the greater chance SPAMMERS will mutate. Offline, NOOBS appear anywhere the focus on learning and intelligent discussion is prominent.

--- 3. Noobish Behavior
Since all NOOBS are basically ignorant people, they do have a lot in common. The most easily noticeable characteristic is the obvious fluency in noobish. Their self-confidence is the second noticeable trait. They act as if they are the absolute best at what they are, in fact, the absolute worst at. Also, NOOBS are aggressive and self-centered, and tend to use L's and O's in rapid succession... Some Noobologists believe that this could be a vocalized offering to their God. Though for now we think it is the Noobish word for laughing like an ultimate retard.

It is NOOB instinct to defend themselves in large groups, as they are not powerful enough in single to overpower their opponents. They often appear to resemble an organized group that most of us call at Team. Unfortunately, Noobish Teams usually result in a total loss of communication, and can often result in civil war. These Teams are quite unlike those formed by non-noobs.

Noobs have difficulty reading English and cannot comprehend the idea of authority. Therefore, they have complete and total ignorance of rules, even basic. To easily distinguish a NOOB, from a NEWB is to have an authority tell them a rule which they are unknowingly breaking. If they respond with an apology and immediately attempt to fix the problem... they are a NEWB. If they react by insulting the world around them in rapid Noobish, and begin to cause general mayhem. It is because they are a NOOB, and have just endured a small seizure due to their brains inability to comprehend what is happening to them.

--- 4. Noob Religion - 1337
The NOOBS follow a religion known to them as "1337". They worship this number in odd rituals proceeding to post this "holy" number in their avatars and forum signatures. The often self deify themselves referring to themselves as 1337, or an extension of their God. It's best not to insult their Religion, as this may lead to a NOOB uprising, which will result in a DOS (Denial of Service) Attack to your, or unknowingly someone elses, online forum. Completely annihilating it in less than a week... REMEMBER: A NOOBS power is in its numbers

--- 5. Noob Homes
NOOBS often attempt to create homes of their own in the form of online web pages. Some common features of these lairs are a terrible, often horrifying, lack of content, choice background music, pointless animated GIF's dedicated to their god, and pages that say some variation of...

tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt LOLLOLOL!111!1!!~~~!!`! 13371337'

Which translated to "Page Under Construction" in English.

They will also have large, seemingly infinite marquees of 88X31 affiliate buttons replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and possibly a hit counter showing a number less than 100. These habitats are numerous, yet fairly easy to avoid because only NOOBS link to them. So if you can identify a NOOB, don't go to its homepage. Simple as that.

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NOOB PROTECTION PROTOCOL
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--- 1. Noob Testing
NOTE: This page is bilingual so that both NOOBS and the general public can purify themselves of this filith.

English - Read the above parts of this guide carefully. If you find yourself unable to comprehend any of it, but are instead beginning to think about how great you are and how awesome 'teh 1337' is. You might want to take one of the many available online quizzes to check your NOOBANCY RATING.

Noobish - Liek, u gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and tehn ###### LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD ify 0u turn into teh reTARDED u gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check 4 warez n stfuu. if u r a n00b go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!! !! a/s/l pos gtg n00b suxx0rz ur b0xx0rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP HELP HELP 1337133713371337

--- 2. Major Noob Deflection Stratigies
The main factor in attracting migrating herds of noobs is a large, active forum. If you find one of these, look to see if it has the management to avoid a NOOB infestation. If not, look for a small or mid-sized forum that covers the topic of your intrest, so you can enjoy your time there before NOOBS inevitably find it.

Another way to keep NOOBS from interfering with your life, is to become part of the authority on one of these forums. That's often hard to do, so you'll probably be better off avoiding larger forums first off. If you do manage to become part of the authority, take full advantage of it, and establish extermination policies so that others may have a pleasant experience without NOOB infestations. Become a Moderator first, as your experience with NOOBS increases, your administrative desirability also increases.

Noobish - LAlWAlwalwalWAWLAWLAWA!~! ~!~!!!11!!! 1M NOtttt N0000BZ