Project Manager

Somone who uses endless buzz words and centres their existance around a load of paperwork, meetings, conference calls and turning every task, no matter how small, into an epic display of verbal and written diarrhea. Jobs that once needed a sensible tradeperson or two, now need to be a project with a project manager. They sit between the workers and management and are very good at being on the side of whoever they are talking to and ensuring that they are never in the same room as both workers and management. Commanding huge amounts of money, they are gifted in prolonging everything.

A job used by people who are often unemployed. They don't exactly know what their role is and are usually self employed contractors that do jobs or gigs to make a living.

A job role. The role is to ensure project is delivered on time, By on time, this means in half the time that is needed to complete all tasks and with half the necessary staff. This role is highly sought after by people that love using meaningless buzz words to hide the fact that don't understand any words said to them in meetings. They will often been seen looking dazed and confused at their computers after spending 9 hours sending meeting requests, rescheduling meetings, going to meetings, holding "catch ups" after meetings in which you need to explain to them what happened in the last meeting and stalking you when your not in meetings with them. They think all other staff are magicians and can't understand why the status update has not changed from yesterday because they forgot you were in meetings with them all day. They live in an imaginary world where they think they understand concepts are likeable by many and think everyone has shit phones because no one answers their calls. Generally they are the root cause of all mental health issues 8n the modern workplace and will go their entire working career oblivious to the fact everyone thinks they are giant cuntasauruses.

The management of projects. Typically, this is all about figuring out what's needed, working out how to satisfy that need, costing it out, doing the job and delivering the product/service or whatever.

Some say it's science, some say an art. Whatever. It keeps a lot of pencil-necks in jobs and forms the bedrock of capitalist growth through cost, time and quality controlled efforts.

If you want an example of good project management, take 5 to figure out how they built a pyramid in ancient Egypt.

Someone who creates memes and doesn't work.

A workplace phenomenon where resources assigned to a project are simultaneously worthless and invaluable, where the act of interacting with the project manager forces a classification.

"I know it's not something we normally do, and I know you're not responsible for it, however can you perform this backlog of clerical tasks?"

"I just don't have enough resources allocated to my team, I'm missing my deliverables and I'll need more of your time"

PMS is a medical condition related to stress, the condition causes project managers to excrete a stinky mucus like film from the pores of their skin. This condition has been known to effect other species such as construction managers and business managers, and is particularly bad in relation to project management trainee's and administrative staff.