bathroom camper
A person who, for reasons yet unknown, will always spend no less than 30 minutes in the bathroom, no matter what they originally went in to do. You can always tell who's going camping in the shitter, as they will usually be carrying a "survival kit", which includes at least one of the following; a crossword book, a newspaper, a magazine, or in extreme cases, a sandwich.
If I'd have known that Jared was a bathroom camper, I would've tried to get first dibs on the thrown.