Scottish Rug Burn
What results after a desparate hiker gets lost in the woods and has to take the biggest, most explosive dump of his or her life. This sorry hiker then frantically searches for something which can be used as toilet paper, finding a three-leaved plant. This plant turns out to be poison ivy, and the intense rubbing action results in a horribly painful and itchy rash surrounding the hiker's butt-crack. Can last for up to several weeks and often gets inflamed if the hiker has a bad case of the hershey squirts.
Hot dang my butthole feels like it's about to spontaneously combust after I used that weird plant for toilet paper while camping last week. I'm not joking I mean I'm pretty sure this feels worse than that bad case of herpes that keeps coming back. I think I have the world's worst Scottish Rug Burn.