Cinco de Mayo

1 : literally, the fifth of May

2a : a holiday celebrated by millions of Mexican nationals in America with notable festivity and drunkenness to commemorate their heritage and pride in the greatness of a country they couldn't wait to leave

2b : a holiday celebrated in Mexico by a small number of Mexicans with overwrought sadness and drunkenness to lament their expulsion from America by the Border Patrol <see also, el día de los muertos>

A few of my gringo friends ask me the meaning of Cinco de Mayo every year so I thought I would give the full unabridged and comprehensive answer here.

It all started on a cool April morning in 1843 in Mexico. It was the middle of the Mexican war of independence against their Mayan overlords. General Chimichanga was leading an offensive for the Mexican army and was marching north to meet the Mayans at Fajita Hill. He knew he would be out-numbered so he sent his mariachi band to contact the Burrito Boys in Tijuana to request their assistance in battle. He was not sure if they would agree or even arrive in time for the battle (they were located 23.5 miles away). When General Chimichanga arrived at Fajita Hill on May 5 he was amazed to find the Burrito Boys and their leader Commander Nacho Cheese got there first and decimated the Mayans on there own with less than 20 men. The Mayans fled north to Alamo, Texas effectively ending the Mexican war for independence.

Something white people love more than the Mexicans.

how messed up is it that cinco de mayo 2020 falls on taco tuesday and we are stuck at home because of a virus named after a mexican beer

A beer-fest that occurs on May 5 of the year, with lots of tequila and margaritas.

This started out as a tragedy in the late eighteenth century. It is a well known fact that mexicans love mayonnaise. A large steam tanker of this condiment was crossing the gulf of mexico from florida when a large storm occured, sinking the tanker. The horrified mexicans witnessed this and named the day of the sinking, May 5, a national holiday of drowning their worries with corona.

When a whole bunch of white college kids get together and have a kegger for reasons unbeknownst to them. These parties usually occur in the whitest of whitebread neighborhoods, and shirk far, far, farrrr away from what the people of Mexico actually celebrate.