Chunky Fourth of July

When a dildo or otherwise penetrative sex toy is not available, one sticks a firecracker popsicle up an appropriately sized bodily orifice (most commonly the anus), and proceeds to pleasure themselves with said popsicle. After completion, the melted remains of the popsicle are then spurted out of the oriface for everyone to enjoy in a red, white, and blue funfest for the entire family to enjoy! Oftentimes, this is a widely celebrated event, and no patriotic display is complete without it. Those who partake in the activity must rigorously prepare for it with a diet of only prune juice, water, and essential oils for at least a week. If an American Flag is in the vicinity, it is always lowered to half-mast to appreciate the gravity of such a solemn affair. Should time allow after the ceremony is complete, grill hot dogs in the juices and fire a 21 Gun Salute for the troops.