eden, nc

Nestled in the foothills of the Blue Ridge mountains, Eden is one of the shittiest towns south of the Virginia border. During daylight hours, many of their convenience stores have glass stem roses and chore boys in the same display cabinet. The largest competition in town is the race to see which is worse, the dropout rate, teen pregnancy rate, unemployment rate, and crime rate. At any given time, you'll likely encounter trailer urchins in squatted trucks with straight piped exhaust. Likely they are blasting shitty trap music while getting road head from an underage girl they more than likely picked up at Sheetz or Walmart. At one time, Miller Brewing was a prominent employer in town, but God left town the day they left. For fun, residents enjoy the Eden Inn, which was voted best place to overdose in the county! Shoplifting from Walmart is also a popular pastime idea, and although Miller Brewing is gone, the locals like their beer the way they like their violence: Domestic.

God himself tried to clean the place up with a tornado in 2017, but the tornado must have been high because it hardly cleaned up anything. When approached for comment, he replied that he just didn't see why a perfectly good EF5 tornado should be wasted on the town when the opioid crisis is slowly but surely thinning the herd.