On The Swans

When you're too hungover or tired to do anything from self inflicted actions. There are three stages to being "On The Swans" Offline: You're bedridden from a severe hangover. Off the grid: Your friends are unsure of your location for multiple hours. Off the charts: You are unseen or heard from for multiple days due to a hangover

The act of masturbating among your peers without them noticing.

Climax is signalled with a sharp honking sound.

Youths up and down the country have begun 'swanning' as a way to earn social status among their friends.

To be attacked, injured, or otherwise fucked up by a deceptively docile-looking yet very aggressive animal.

One of the most important bands of the last 30 years. Swans started out in the early 80's as a post punk/no wave band that created crushingly heavy albums such as "Filth", "Cop", and "Holy Money." Albums that make Black/Death Metal bands with makeup that try to act scary seem like complete and utter pussies.

1987's "Children of God" was a big leap forward, one which bridged the gap between the brutal heaviness and the more experimental side of Swans (which became prominent in their later career in the 90's). It also featured more frequent contribution from their 2nd vocalist Jarboe.

In 1996 they released their magnum opus "Soundtracks for the Blind". A mammoth double album that inspired countless late 90's and 00's post rock bands. Most notably the hipster adored Godspeed You Black Emperor! Who have made a career out of milking and watering down the sound created by Swans. They do it well all things considered, but if you want the real thing kids... pick up Soundtracks for the Blind.

Swans broke up in 1997 but Michael Gira (going back on his word) has since reformed the band in 2010, and with a slew of additional musicians released the spectacular comeback album "My Father Will Guide Me up a Rope to the Sky" to well deserved critical acclaim.

1. (noun) A large bird that is similar to but much larger than a goose. The most recognized type of swan is the Mute Swan, which is all white except for its black face, orange bill and black legs and feet. It is native to parts of Europe and has been artificially introduced to North America as somewhat of a "decorative bird." If geese mess with it, it will chase them away. If you mess with it, it will chase you away. If you see a swan nesting, run because her mate will get pissed and will start coming at you. Doesn't sound very intimidating, but when you're staring into the eyes of an oncoming angry swan, you'll understand.

2. (noun) Slang term for a female who was once unattractive but somehow became very attractive (referencing the "Ugly Duckling" story).

Named after the ultimate Swanner, Ryan Swan from Nova Scotia. When you're swindled out of anything. Especially from a freeloader. You got Swanned.

The main character from the 1979 cult classic, the warriors. He is the strong silent one of the group.