The Emoji Movie

Cancer

If you, by some miracle, are actually thinking of watching this school shooting of a "movie," please dial the Suicide Hotline: 1-800-555-9999. Watching it is, to say the least, an incredibly painful way to fucking die. And to those of you who have watched it, I wish you'd known how much you'd be missed before then.

Only the most cancerous film ever to be created. literally has a 6% on Rotten Tomatoes. Like, seriously Sony. Why would you make this?

Picture this: You have finally perished; Your organs have all been removed and sorted in front of you in alphabetical order, as your vision fades to black, you start to feel free and all senses stop; there is nothing, you are nowhere, you are no one. Suddenly you are abruptly awakened from your lack of existence, and even though all of your senses are gone, you know, you see and you feel bright colourful lights. The beams of light sear through you, all senses return, but the only thing you feel is pain. Pain immeasurable beyond belief and your retinas are burned by something. As you relive all of the pain from your existence, you see in front of you Sony Product Placement There they are, right in front of you, grinning their awkward gaping mouths in amusement of your suffering; advertisements for mobile apps are shoved down your throat. You beg for the suffering to end, you try to flee and end up running in the same direction of the plot. Candy crush catches you unawares in your desperate to escape the endless torture and it smites you down with the power of several major corporations. Then there is noise. there will never be peace for you here. The twitter bird lifts you above all the madness in its talons; you see the end, you reach, but the talons are released and you fall. Your empty, meaningless and cold shell of a being is crushed upon the ground and all fades to black once more. You awake, Goofy is comparing your pharynx and your larynx, you smile, you feel revealed.

1. The biggest disgrace that has ever plagued the himan race

2. An obvious sign of the drastic decrease in intelligence in the human race and a strong reminder that the apocalypse is upon us.

Now I'm not a scientist or anything but my theory for 2017 Hollywood's "The Emoji Movie" is most likely the #1 reason the suicide percent has gone up drastically in the past year. I mean HELL! In Florida since 2016 the suicide rates went up to over a staggering 14.2!

A 2017 animated movie based entirely on a fictuous plot revolving around emojis. Emojis are pictographs used in text to represent an idea or the mood of the text's subject (i.e. "I can't believe they would make a movie based on emojis 🙄").

The Emoji Movie's plot is about an emoji named Gene who can make multiple expressions. He lives inside of a teenager's phone, and one day, the teenager gets texted by his crush. Alex, the teenager, decides to send an emoji back. Gene is called on to do the job, he screws up, and gets the emoji police after him.

So basically he meets this emoji named Hi-5, who used to be popular, but now isn't, for obvious reasons. Hi-5 takes him to this hacker girl who can take to the cloud (which I still don't know because I never watched the movie and just read it on Wikipedia instead) to be fixed. The hacker's name is Jailbreak, and she turns out to be your average badass heroine cliché.

The trio goes around, explores and screws up some apps in Alex's phone, Gene and Jailbreak end up falling in love because emojis can apparently have hormones too, crap happens, and there's this ultimate showdown which I don't really care about. They win, have a happy reunion-celebration-whatever, because everything has to work out in movies (see: The Fault In Our Stars). The end!

Also I'm pretty sure no one cares about Alex and his crush so I'll just leave that out